Cooking with the Stars

I used to cook a lot with my late spouse Fran.

After she passed away, I pretty much hung up my apron, but I still have an interest in the concept of cooking. Have had since the late 1960s, when I got into watching Graham Kerr, "The Galloping Gourmet".

Sure, it was a trip watching this mildly drunken, poncey Brit leaping and dashing about his bachelor pad/kitchen set, telling bad jokes, cooking, and making innocently racy comments between minor catastophes and short slurps of wine.

But what intrigued me most was at the end of his shows, when joshing was set aside and the food took center stage. He would take a bite of whatever he'd just prepared and from the look on his face it was as if Graham was experiencing an epiphany, as if he had just received a holy blessing from on high. I wanted that experience. Eventually, I achieved it, sometimes by my own cooking, mostly by others'.

This interest led to my collection of cookbooks and food related books. Not a huge collection, but unique. Some are dry and no-nonsense, like the essential Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. Some are useful AND entertaining, like my Trader Vic cookbooks. My personal favorites are the CELEBRITY cookbooks. The Best of the Best (or Worst) of these are The National Enquirer Celebrity Cookbook published back when Alyssa Milano was still jailbait; "The Celebrity Cookbook" published by Price/Stern/Sloan in 1966, and CELEBRITY COOKBOOK by Johna Blinn published in 1981. The Enquirer's collection is spectacular for the photos that accompany the recipes, especially Mickey Rooney's picture with his "Hangman's Breakfast".

 "The Celebrity Cookbook" reproduces the recipes from celebs as they were recieved, whether typed out on letterhead stationery or hand written. Stuff like Phyllis Diller's RECIPE FOR GARBAGE SOUP, Jimmy Durante's UMBRIAGO SALAD, Lady Bird Johnson's EGGPLANT CREOLE, and Carolyn Jones's THAT FISH THING. My favorite is Dean Martin's MARTIN BURGERS.

 My prize is CELEBRITY COOKBOOK. It's a collection of celebrity interviews and recipes that were syndicated to various newspapers to fill space in their food sections. I bought it for $1.49 at Pic 'N' Save (now BIG!LOTS). First, let me describe the physical appearance of the book itself. It looks like a thick coloring book. Literally. It is printed on rough, pulpy stock, like a coloring book, illustrated with line drawing characatures ranging in style from lame to hideous. As for the contents, those insipid characatures coupled with Johna Blinn's cheesey writing create magical badness.

Writing about Telly Savalas, Blinn wrote: "His voice was like a big, booming bugle." So, the illustrator draws two bugles just floating in mid-air next to his face.

 Kristy McNichol tells Blinn she doesn't like whipped cream unless its on top of a Bob's Big Boy Hot Fudge Sundae, and the illustrator goofs, naming the sundae "BIG BOB".

Joanne Carson (an ex-wife of Johnny Carson) told Blinn the painful story of being dumb enough to attempt to roast a turkey on Johnny's yacht while wearing a bikini and high heels. No apron. Between a sudden rough swell and stiletto heels, she dropped the bird, burning herself with splashing hot turkey fat. This HI-larious moment was lovingly rendered in crude ink and pen on paper.

As for the characture of TV personality and game show panelist of yore, Bill Cullen, it is a cruel joke.

Other honorable mentions go Jack Bailey's WHAT'S COOKIN'? Jack Bailey was the host of "Queen For a Day". Go ask your grandfather, he'll remember the TV show. He was a rascal. Here's his entire chapter on fish:

I don't like to fish, and I don't like fish. If you like to fish.... fish. If you like fish.... Use your own recipes or steal the neighbors. Forgive me.In the CELEBRITY KOSHER COOKBOOK, George Jessel claims to have invented the Bloody Mary, we learn that Leonard Nimoy's Grandmother taught him how to make Pickled Herring, and Louis Nye confesses his mother fattened him up for his bar mitzvah by feeding him *GASP* -- bacon!

THE LIFE AND CUISINE OF ELVIS PRESLEY is an interesting anthropological study of the foods Elvis ate from childhood through gluttony based on interviews with people connected to Elvis, and research of the time period and locales at each stage of his life. We all know about the peanut butter and mashed banana sandwiches fried in butter, but I like the one he made for himself while stationed in Germany when he was in the Army. Fry a pound of bacon, crispy, then fry a pound of sliced potatoes seasoned with salt and pepper in the bacon fat, slap the bacon and potatoes between slices of white bread (yes, all the bacon and the full pound of fried potato) slathered with mayonnaise. And did you know The King invented gourmet pizza? Living in Graceland with Priscilla, a nearby pizzaria would deliver, but E didn't much care for eye-talian food, so they would debone and shred chicken with barbecue sauce and bake it on a pizza for Elvis and 'Cilla.

I was given THE ROCK & ROLL COOKBOOK for a Christmas or a birthday. It's not very clever, but proceeds of the sale went to The National Music Foundation, so all to the good. The rockers in the book range wildly. Among them Paul Anka, Cher, k.d. lang, Ray Charles, Ozzy Osbourne, Little Richard, Iggy Pop, Bobby Rydel, and Devo. They try, PAINFULLY try, to make the recipe names sound clever-clever. The overwhelming majority are just lame. Some suck out right. They didn't even try with Ozzy Osbourne: "Ozzy's Yorkshire Pudding". The only good one is the recipe from Brian Hyland, who had the hit song Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, for a dish called "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenies with Yellow Peppers and Zucchinis".

Finally, I leave you with Alice Cooper's recipe for:

"Tunafish Malted (for hangovers)"1 can tuna fish
2 scoops pistachio ice cream
4 oz cream
Blend. Drink. Go back to bed.