Hell's Bells

Again? So soon?

Why, FOX? Really, why? What did we ever do to you? Why are you shoving another season of HELL'S KITCHEN at us?

We know what's going to happen. You'll present us with yet another gaggle of big-mouthed egomaniacs who think that tattoos, a bad haircut and a worse attitude equal a personality. Gordon will taste their food and make a huge show of spitting it out, declaring as disgusting or calling it a dog's dinner. There will be some lame-ass twist teased before the first commercial that will turn out to be as exciting as a wet fart when the show resumes. We'll hear the contestants boast of their culinary prowess, issue smack talk about and backstab their competition. The contestants will cook. Gordon will be verbally abusive. Gordon will yell. Gordon will scream. Gordon will use obscenities. Gordon will scream and yell obscenities. Gordon will make a huge show of dumping food into a garbage can while screaming and yelling verbally abusive obscenities. Gordon will make you sick of hearing the word "cow". Kind Gordon will reward. Vile Gordon will punnish. Someone will be declared winner and chosen to boss around the immigrants Gordon has hired at one of the restaurants he owns at which you can't afford to dine, anyway, so what does it matter. There, I've saved you weeks of agony.

Don't everyone thank me at once.

When is Gordon Ramsay going to wake up and smell the greasepaint? He's become a clown! A joke! Why would he bust his ass working his way up the ranks in restaurant kitchens, win acclaim for his cuisine at his fine restaurants, only to become this characature of himself? Seriously, when you hear the name Gordon Ramsay, what's the first thing you think of?

It wasn't food, was it?

As much as I have been enjoying these recent times when being a "foodie" has become chic, and having the ante upped at nearly all eateries to the point where even a place like Jack In The Box can become destination dining for their grilled sandwiches, it has given rise to something I think is so negative: The Chef as Rock Star.

Granted, I have my culinary deities, following the New Testament of Alton Brown and Nigella Lawson and still clinging to the Old Testament of Julia Child and Graham Kerr. While they all posess vibrant and dominating personalities, the first thing you think of beyond that is food. Not so with Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon has fallen into the category of being famous for behaving badly. Maybe a forkfull of his risotto can bring tears of joy to your eyes, and good for him, but his reputation as an asshole has been sealed. I'm not all that sure he's aware that he is marching shoulder to shoulder with the likes Snooki, the Situation, Lindsay Lohan, Spencer Pratt, Paris Hilton, the Kardashians and Andy Dick. Worse yet, it has given rise to copycats! Every one of the contestants on Hell's Kitchen want to be the next HIM! Do we really need that? Can we, as a civilized society, afford that? Should we tolerate it? Should we encourage it? Should we celebrate it?

HELL to the NO!

Also, I wonder, is the kitchen at the Hell's Kitchen restaurant soundproofed? I don't know that I could relax and enjoy a meal there if every three minutes Gordon's mouth erupts like a verbal Vesuvius. I wouldn't pay for that meal, at all. If anything, the dinner should be comped as payment for being a participant in this farce.

Likely, I'll watch the first fifteen minutes or so of the first installment, if only to indulge in my little fantasy, that the contestants, now at their greatest number, will rise as one, overpower Gordon, pin him to a butcher block and drive a stick blender through the bastard's black heart.

A boy can dream, can't he?

Eating Bareback

The last thing I intend to do on this blog is to hand out dietary advice, and by that same token, I don't wish to have any given to me unsolicited. I don't think we should waste food, and I beleive we have to consume food that contains enough nutrition to keep us relatively healthy and functioning. Man cannot live on Cool Ranch Doritos alone.

That being said, I now say to the Food Nazis out there: Shut up and leave us alone!

There doesn't seem to be a thing we do as human beings, with the possible exception of breathing, that some "expert" or "guru" or just plain worry wart wags a finger at us and warns against doing or advises us on the correct way of doing it. Our lists of indulgences dwindle with each passing day it seems. Our pleasures turned into mortal sins.

With tongue in cheek and a mouthful of crispy bacon, I cry out: ENOUGH!

Killjoys of the world, hear me! If I want to have a fried mozzarella stick grilled cheese sandwich at Denny's, I will do so! The same for a bacon cheese burger in a Krispy Kreme donut! A bacon cheese burger served between two grilled cheese sandwiches! If I want a double order of the KFC Double Down sandwich (bacon and cheese between two boneless fried chicken breasts), I advise you to stay out of my way!

Look, I'm not in favor of unbridled, continuous gluttony. As much as I enjoy eating, I wouldn't want Adam Richman's job on "Man v. Food"! Sure, I'd like to eat as much as I want of what I want, but not as much as I can of whatever is set before me, and possibly beyond. Eating to the point of misery is utter stupidity. A free T-shirt and a picture on the "wall of fame" ain't worth it!

I'm just saying, if I eat all my salad, finish my peas and broccoli like a good boy, I am going to have a Carl's Jr. Six Dollar Philly Cheesesteak Burger once in a while, damn it!

A Little Perspective....

I think, sometimes, we expect too much of our food, and of those who prepare it, including ourselves. Of course, we should do the best we can with what we have. Yet with the rise in popularity of cooking shows of all stripes on television, there also seems to have been a rise in our anxiety about our abilities to cook. To be specific, I refer to the competition style cooking shows, such as Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, Master Chef, and The Next Food Network Star, to name a few and who are among, in my opinion, the worst offenders. Contestants are prodded, poked, goaded, at times berated, urged to "take it to the next level" and "think outside the box", given impossible tasks to be performed in ludicrous conditions only to be shot down by judges who are disappointed they were unable to make apple tarts using only rock salt and Spanish onions.



"Good" it seems just is not good enough.


True, there are occasions when culinary epiphany is revealed unto your tongue. The experience does border on the sacred and can bring as many tears of joy as it does moans of pleasure. But that sensation of Umami, that harmonic convergence of flavor, aroma and mouth feel that sets off fireworks in your mind and strikes that deep and sustained resonant chord in your soul is rare. And should remain so. Otherwise, how far outside the box would we then have to think in order to take food to the next level?


In between, there is good.


And merely good can be great.


For example, I don't consume a lot of soft drinks anyway, but during one of the recent periods when Pepsi Cola made with real sugar was available again, I purchased a cold bottle and a bag of Lay's potato chips (regular salted Walker's crisps to you folks in the UK). At first bite, swig and swallow, I was transported back to carefree Summer days of my boyhood. I did not swoon, no angels danced on my palate. I just thought, "Man, this is good."


I guess my point is that few of you reading are professional cooks, much less chefs. Some of us really don't cook all that much but simply love food. So, let's not overly concern ourselves with the form of the food we cook. We are serving our families or just ourselves, not sending out plates to paying customers, or styling our food for lighting and camera. Certainly, take a little care in presentation, but cook your food with love and not for show. Just make it taste good.


You, your family, and your friends will know the difference.