Hell's Bells

Again? So soon?

Why, FOX? Really, why? What did we ever do to you? Why are you shoving another season of HELL'S KITCHEN at us?

We know what's going to happen. You'll present us with yet another gaggle of big-mouthed egomaniacs who think that tattoos, a bad haircut and a worse attitude equal a personality. Gordon will taste their food and make a huge show of spitting it out, declaring as disgusting or calling it a dog's dinner. There will be some lame-ass twist teased before the first commercial that will turn out to be as exciting as a wet fart when the show resumes. We'll hear the contestants boast of their culinary prowess, issue smack talk about and backstab their competition. The contestants will cook. Gordon will be verbally abusive. Gordon will yell. Gordon will scream. Gordon will use obscenities. Gordon will scream and yell obscenities. Gordon will make a huge show of dumping food into a garbage can while screaming and yelling verbally abusive obscenities. Gordon will make you sick of hearing the word "cow". Kind Gordon will reward. Vile Gordon will punnish. Someone will be declared winner and chosen to boss around the immigrants Gordon has hired at one of the restaurants he owns at which you can't afford to dine, anyway, so what does it matter. There, I've saved you weeks of agony.

Don't everyone thank me at once.

When is Gordon Ramsay going to wake up and smell the greasepaint? He's become a clown! A joke! Why would he bust his ass working his way up the ranks in restaurant kitchens, win acclaim for his cuisine at his fine restaurants, only to become this characature of himself? Seriously, when you hear the name Gordon Ramsay, what's the first thing you think of?

It wasn't food, was it?

As much as I have been enjoying these recent times when being a "foodie" has become chic, and having the ante upped at nearly all eateries to the point where even a place like Jack In The Box can become destination dining for their grilled sandwiches, it has given rise to something I think is so negative: The Chef as Rock Star.

Granted, I have my culinary deities, following the New Testament of Alton Brown and Nigella Lawson and still clinging to the Old Testament of Julia Child and Graham Kerr. While they all posess vibrant and dominating personalities, the first thing you think of beyond that is food. Not so with Gordon Ramsay.

Gordon has fallen into the category of being famous for behaving badly. Maybe a forkfull of his risotto can bring tears of joy to your eyes, and good for him, but his reputation as an asshole has been sealed. I'm not all that sure he's aware that he is marching shoulder to shoulder with the likes Snooki, the Situation, Lindsay Lohan, Spencer Pratt, Paris Hilton, the Kardashians and Andy Dick. Worse yet, it has given rise to copycats! Every one of the contestants on Hell's Kitchen want to be the next HIM! Do we really need that? Can we, as a civilized society, afford that? Should we tolerate it? Should we encourage it? Should we celebrate it?

HELL to the NO!

Also, I wonder, is the kitchen at the Hell's Kitchen restaurant soundproofed? I don't know that I could relax and enjoy a meal there if every three minutes Gordon's mouth erupts like a verbal Vesuvius. I wouldn't pay for that meal, at all. If anything, the dinner should be comped as payment for being a participant in this farce.

Likely, I'll watch the first fifteen minutes or so of the first installment, if only to indulge in my little fantasy, that the contestants, now at their greatest number, will rise as one, overpower Gordon, pin him to a butcher block and drive a stick blender through the bastard's black heart.

A boy can dream, can't he?